Cycling matters...

Us cyclists are a funny lot; we love to point at motorists and accuse them of driving without due care and attention and then off we go and break the rules ourselves. We jump lights, ignore one way streets, cycle on pavements and we approach signalling as an optional extra (if the mood takes us). Of course, I'm not talking about every cyclist and the majority of them that break the rules don't do it all the time.

I have to admit, I sometimes break the rules myself but, along with all rule breakers, I'd argue that  there are very good reasons for doing so. Honest! My ride to work every morning takes me up a broad pavemented avenue in Cardiff called Lloyd George (Boy George, as I call it) Avenue. A cycle lane runs adjacent to to this broad pavement and yet I always cycle on the pavement. Why? Because the cycle lane is punctuated with barriers at every junction whereas the pavement is not. Also, the cycle lane is frequently blocked by kids playing and parked cars. Excusable? Probably not.

My journey also takes me through two pedestrianised areas in the town centre: The Hayes and Queen Street. You're allowed to cycle through The Hayes but you are not allowed to cycle through Queen Street, despite the fact that one segues into the other and with no clear and obvious signage. It's confusing. The police in one area of Cardiff have decided to target pavement cyclists, taking a zero tolerance approach with those caught, by issuing them with fixed penalty notices. I guess that murders and burglaries aren't quite as profitable. Who says that crime doesn't pay!

And talking about profit, some of you may remember my complaint to Cardff Bus in May. Well after much prompting and further complaints about their lack of response, they eventually got back to me over two months later. This tardiness by them gave me ample opportunity to fizz, fester and frustrate; the result of which is I have cancelled my £50 a month season ticket and opted to cycle to work instead - whatever the weather. I've fitted my bike with mudguards and bought myself a waterproof cycling jacket and trousers and still had change out of £50. Next month I move into profit!

Last Saturday I cycled the Taff Trail from Merthyr Tydfil to Cardiff with my friend Howard. The weather was beautiful, the views stunning and I almost reached a state of cycling Nirvana... Until I hit Pontypridd, where the trail runs out along with any signage to guide you to where to pick it up again. What a shining example of shitsville this place is. It's confusing, it's dangerous and it's enough to make you jump lights, ignore one way streets, cycle on pavements and approach signalling as an optional extra. Really!

1 Year Ago:

The ladies who lunch...

Taste the difference...

After my swim tonight I called in at Morrisons on my bike ride home. I usually go to Asda but it's further away and given that it was a bit drizzly and... blah... blah... blah... Anyway, I dropped in at Morrisons for a change.

Coasting up and down the aisles and singing along to the piped music, "...Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya. All yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya..." my head was turned once, twice and once again. The eye-candy at Morrisons in Cardiff Bay is certainly attention grabbing. I don't think I've ever scored so high playing Hotty or Notty.

I couldn't help but compare it to my usual Asda experience, which, let's face it, is a little chavvy. It's not a great range on offer and the quality can be questionable - unless you happen to have a fetish for scrawny scally lads or big women in leggings. I'm pleased to say that neither appeals to me.

It was at that point that I heard my name being called. I stopped ogling and singing along to Kate Bush and turned to see a friend from work, Leah. I hope she didn't spot me totty watching...?

Everything and nothing...

Last night's post about my new hair trimmer attracted a comment from a friend of mine, "What's that got to do with running, swimming or biking ...not to be pinikity...?" To which I replied, "Everything and nothing..."

I guess he was referring to the sentence below the blog's title, "A blog about running, swimming and cycling and the things I think about whilst I'm running, swimming and cycling..." And, of course, you may well be thinking the same thing.

I wasn't being facetious in my reply; yesterday's post had everything to do with last night's swim (whilst swimming I was thinking about whether the reviews I'd read about the trimmer were accurate and I'd bought a crock of shite) and yesterday's post had nothing to with last night's swim (it bore no material difference to the swim itself).

Indeed, the majority of my posts are not about running, swimming or cycling but every one of them has been thought about whilst performing one of those activities. The mind (or should I say, "My mind...") really does go to some strange place during exercise. I'm sure there are many who will testify to this. It's as if my mind escapes to a sphere of its own while my body gets on with its exercise.

When I first started this blog, I tried to obviously tie each post to an activity. I'd start posts with sentences like, "While out running tonight..." and then introduce the theme of the post. I'm more relaxed about it now but with that relaxation, I guess, it isn't necessarily obvious where that theme came from. Anyway, I hope that sort of explains it.

Switching subjects somewhat; you'll be pleased to hear that my Garmin sports watch seems to have finished its hissy fit and is behaving itself again, as evidenced by the inclusion again of the running record below.

Today's run at 17:19
Distance	6.13 km	Time	38:59
Pace	6:21 min/km	Cadence	80 spm
Comments: Raining.

What a lovely day...!

What a beautiful day today has been. I cycled around in the lovely sunny weather, went for a refreshing swim, bought myself some new sun glasses and a hat in the sales and then met up with the lovely Jaime F for tea and gossip in the Bay.

When I looked at at the weather forecast yesterday, today was going to be a bit of a wash out but it turned out alright, didn't it; I even put my shorts and some suntan lotion on before going for my bike ride... and the rest of the week doesn't look too bad!

Did I bring some of that Canarian sun home with me...?

Cardiff World Naked Bike Ride...

Tomorrow sees the fifth Cardiff World Naked Bike Ride, "highlighting the need to escape vehicle dependency and focus on the power and individuality of the human being".

100 naked cyclists are expected to participate in the event that starts on Saturday June 9th at 2pm for bike and body decoration in Park Place behind the National Museum. The ride then sets off at 3pm around Cardiff; the 9 mile ride finishing at Sophia Gardens.

Cardiff Council has not granted permission to the event to use its parks and is keeping a careful distance regarding this event, "Although staff would only intervene in the world public bike ride if a complaint is made by a member of the public, we would neither facilitate the event nor condone it."

I'd be tempted to participate myself but sadly I'm not in Cardiff on Saturday...

Now is the winter of our discontent...?

I'm a fair weather cyclist but enjoy running in any weather. In fact, I quite like running in the rain, I find it quite invigorating when it's windy and, after the initial sting, hailstones have a burn to them that's quite pleasant. As much fun as it was to run in these conditions in the Winter, it's not the sort of weather I've come to expect in June.

Tonight's run consisted of all of the above weather elements. I knew it was quite blustery from looking out the window before setting off. However, I bore the full force of those winds once out on the bridge crossing the Taff. It was at this point I was pelted with hailstones. My legs were numb and my bald head frozen. Some 15 minutes later as the hailstones subsided, a downpour of rain started.

As I returned to Mermaid Quay I could do nothing but grin in response to this wintery weather. As tourists bolted for shelter, I skirted the Oval Basin, drenched and sporting the widest lunatic grin I could muster. Whilst I might feel a little short changed, were I on holiday in Cardiff Bay today; as someone who lives here and enjoys a run after work to unwind, all I felt was glad to be alive.

Today's run at 17:16
Distance	5.16 km	Time	28:57
Pace	5:37 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Windy and rainy with hailstones.

Thou cream-faced loon...!

Do you think I look a little simple in this photo? That wasn't why I posted it but looking at it now, the phrase that springs to mind is the one used by Macbeth when he calls one of his servants a "cream-faced loon".

The reason I actually posted the photo was because it was a moment of stillness today, which doesn't seem to happen that often in my life. I had an appointment to see my G.P. this evening and I left work with so much time to spare that I decided to park my bike up and go for a cup of tea in Bute Park.

The weather was so beautiful and it was a joy to just stop and watch the world go by. I could have stayed on in work another half an hour but I'd hit a wall by late afternoon and needed a change of scenery. I'm so glad that I didn't stay on, otherwise I'd have been rushing to get to my appointment. As it was, I relaxed, sipped my tea and then had a leisurely ride along the river to Grangetown where my doctor has his surgery. I should do it more often; a perfect end to the working day.

Shame about the stupid photo...

Today's run at 18:08
Distance	5.04 km	Time	28:23
Pace	5:38 min/km	Cadence	79 spm
Comments: Warm and sunny.

Like tadpoles in a shrinking puddle...

A slow start for the sunny weather today. A haze drew itself over Cardiff until lunchtime but then it lifted revealing a wonderful Summer's day. After a lovely bike ride home with the sun on my back, I cycled on to Cardiff International Pool for a swim. The thought of slipping into that cool water was tempting and just what I needed to splash away my cares.

After changing I walked into the pool area and looked for a lane that seemed less busy than the others. I jumped in and that cool water took my breath away. Bobbing back to the surface I then clung to the side of the pool to adjust my goggles. One of the attendants shouted over that I'd have to move into the next lane as the one Id chosen was being used for swimming lessons. I asked him how many lanes were available for public swimming. Three was the answer.

I looked at the guy to my right in my lane and then looked at the guy to the left in my lane. We tutted and commented on how ridiculous this was. The three lanes soon became very full indeed. People were becoming very tetchy and understandably so. I managed to accidentally hit someone again as I passed them. Space was at a premium

With two or three people in a lane you can overtake if you need to when you're swimming at a faster pace than the one in front. Any more than three in a lane and it's difficult to overtake. Accidents happen and swimmers become frustrated when they're tickling the feet of the swimmer in front.

I complained to the manager as I was leaving. I wasn't the only one.

Finally...

It seems that summer has finally arrived. Cardiff basked in sunshine throughout today; hazy at times but sunshine nonetheless. After what has seemed like the longest spell of cold and damp weather ever, today's warmth was a tonic.

I cycled into work today, which always puts me in a good mood and, although I didn't get much of a chance to enjoy the sun on my face during the day, it was pleasant to emerge into it at home time this evening. My journey home was a joy in the warm breeze, made all the more pleasant by my bike ride back to the Bay.

And for tonight's run, I decided to try a course I'd never run before; the final leg of which saw me jogging down Boy George (Lloyd George) Avenue in the dappled sunshine. It certainly puts a spring in your step.

I finally topped today off with a new potato and egg salad in my determination to enjoy this long awaited seasonal weather. Well, you never know how long it's gonna last.

Today's run at 18:05
Distance	5.01 km	Time	27:28
Pace	5:29 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Bright and sunny.

I like to ride my bicycle...

I rode my bike into work today. It was fairly crisp on my way in this morning but a lot warmer on my return tonight. The sky was clear and blue in both directions. It's such a great feeling cycling to and from work; it puts me in a really great frame of mind. If I had hair, the wind would've been blowing through it...

Until some dickhead in a car that had parked it half on the cycle path decides to open his door as I'm passing. The air was blue with expletives.

Today's run at 17:23
Distance	4.02 km	Time	22:51
Pace	5:41 min/km	Cadence	80 spm
Comments: Warm & sunny.

How we laughed...

Apparently "Harry Potter and yoga are evil". Father Gabriele Amorth, one of the Catholic Church's best known exorcists, is being ridiculed across the interweb today by the likes of Stephen Fry, Richard Dawkins and Dr Christian Jesson for these remarks - and rightly so. Perhaps he's a Daniel Radcliffe fan and the poster on the right has incensed him?

Where do they get these loons from? It's hilarious that anyone should believe such twaddle strongly enough to voice it in public. It seems that organised religion is awash with the unhinged. How we laughed...

Until we remembered:

The Vatican cover up of hundreds of child abuse cases to protect its clergy.

The death of at least 6 individuals following the advice of churches in London, Manchester and Glasgow that HIV patients should stop taking their medication and trust in God to save them instead.

The Vatican advice to millions that condoms offer no protection against HIV infection.

The Church of England's opposition to Government proposals to lift the ban on civil partnerships taking place in religious buildings.

The Vatican involvement in arranging the escape of Nazi war criminals at the end of the Second World War.

I could go on and talk about the Inquisition and the treatment of Galileo Galilei but I'm fed up. Isn't it about time we firmly dealt with church apologists who bleat their excuses in an attempt to promote, reason and rationalise this hatred?

Anyway, I've spent the first part of today nursing a hangover, having unexpectedly been invited out for a little drinkie last night (which turned into a big drinkie). I then gave myself a shake around lunchtime and ventured out to the supermarket on my bike (the first time in over a month I've been for a cycle). Following that I then went for a run and, although the results below are a bit of a backward step on yesterday, it's a minor miracle I could put one foot infront of the other - given the way I was feeling.

Today's run at 15:12
Distance	5.01 km	Time	27:08
Pace	5:25 min/km	Cadence	81 spm

Heterosexuals say the funniest things...

If I was religious I'd say that today has been a beautiful gift from God. I'm an atheist so I'll avoid references to bearded men in the sky dishing out rewards and just say, "What an abso-bloody-lutely stunning day!" I've done some cycling and swimming and a good bit of general mooching around in the sunshine.

As I swam this afternoon, I thought about a very recent exchange between me and a straight friend. I commented to him how pleasant this unexpected sunny weather was. His reply was, "Yeah, there's some horny sights to be seen in Cardiff", meaning the amount of female flesh on show. He continued, "Shame there's nothing for you!" I drew breath and then patiently pointed out to him that the warm weather had the same effect on men and that there was quite a bit of male flesh on show too. I assured him that I was being entertained. He thought for a moment, "...Oh yeah, didn't think about that."

I think some straight men sometimes have great difficulty in seeing life from any viewpoint other than the viewpoint of a straight man. It reminds me of when I witnessed a conversation between two work colleagues in my old job, where one guy complained to the other that he didn't like "the sneaky gays who don't tell you they're gay." I questioned what he meant. I was, he tried to reassure me, not one of the sneaky ones, "I actually like you but I can't deal with the ones that don't tell you: sneaky, see; can't stand them." I suggested that the reason they'd not told him might have something to do with the attitude he was now displaying and nothing to do with a sly subterfuge designed to trick him. "What d'you mean...?" was his response.

This same guy once protested to a group of us in the pub that political correctness had gone too far and that the balance had now tipped too much in the opposite direction. As he worked himself into a bit of a froth his argument climaxed with the line, "The world is prejudiced against me now... and all because I'm normal!"

We might have won a couple of battles but winning the war is still a long way off.

Rose tinged urine...

An odd day. I woke up really early so switched the radio on and fell asleep again to Radio 4's On Your Farm. I then dreamt about herding sheep. I got up well before 8:00am but couldn't really seem to get going, so remained sat in my underpants until well into the afternoon.

To try and get my engine turning I decided to clean the flat, with my Walt Disney compilation providing the soundtrack. So, I whistled while I worked until the place was spotless. Next I went for a swim followed by a quick zip around the Bay on my bike in this gloriously unseasonable weather.

Whilst starting to prepare dinner, I suddenly realised why my urine has had a rosy tinge all day; today will be the third day that I've eaten beetroot.

The colour of clogau gold, it is...

The eagle has landed...

A bit of a slow start this morning. I managed to stay asleep until 8:00am and then just dozed (with one eye open) until 9:00am listening to the lovely Evan Davis on BBC Radio 4's Today Programme.

I pottered about until 10:00am, drinking much too much coffee, before cycling to the supermarket twice (I forgot to get fresh ginger for my tea) and then cycling to the barber's for a trim. When I got home, I rinsed my hair in the shower to get rid of the loose strands, already driving me to itchy hell and back.

I then went for a very pleasant and relaxed run in the wonderful autumnal sunshine that gave Cardiff a golden glow throughout this morning into the early part of the afternoon. I know that I've said I enjoy running in the rain (and I do) but nothing quite beats running with the warmth of the sun on your back. And so it was today.

After my run I met a mate in town for a drink. Now that the Kings has closed, it's a bit of a job to know where to go. We ended up in Wow, which (whatever you think of it) I always feel is more of an evening bar. Despite the abysmal service, we managed one or two drinks before decamping to The Eagle, a new bar on Charles St. It was empty when we got there but seemed pleasant enough (especially when I screwed my eyes up really tight and tried to imagine it with a few customers in there).

The Eagle is marketed as a gay men's bar, with a leaning toward a clone/bear clientele: no windows; few seats; grey decor; lots of slate, steel and mirrors. Intimate (small). I was told by a barman that I should not miss next Saturday night on any account. When I asked why, I was told because they are having a bootcamp night next Saturday and I should wear my combats.

Do I look as if I own a pair of combats?

See you next Tuesday...

Anyone who writes regularly will tell you that some days are better than others. Some days it just flows, like a torrential Victoria Falls of wise and witty words; other days it just dries up, like a river Mara of stymied sentences that trickles through the Serengeti in the dry season.

I've had quite a busy day today doing this and that in preparation for my holiday; what with packing and running around doing those chores you have to nail before jetting off - I haven't stopped. And throughout today I've been wondering what on earth I could write about for this post. In fact, I spent the best part of my midday run trying to figure that out... but to no avail. And then, like a bolt from the blue, there it was - that big grinning animal over there that looks suspiciously like a gift horse.

One of my tasks today was to take my bike to Halfords to get it serviced. I was also going to ask them to fit some new mudguards, if they had them in stock. I rang to book the service earlier this week. The earliest slot was this coming Tuesday. I explained that I would be away for a week and asked could I drop the bike off on Friday (today) and pick it up after I get back. No probelm was the answer but could I drop it off in the afternoon because they don't have much space.

I cleaned the flat this morning then went to get my hair cut about lunchtime. After this I went for the above mentioned run and then stood around whilst a gas engineer fiddled with my boiler (not a euphemism). By the time I left for Halfords, it was after 2:30pm and emptying down. It crossed my mind not to go but no, I'd made a booking and it's only fair that I should honour that. So through a penny sized raindrop downpour, I aqua-planed the 5km or so to Halfords.

Now, the more astute of you will have guessed where this is going. When I arrived at Halfords (with the grace and elegance and squelch of Godzilla rising from the depths in Tokyo harbour) the duty manager told me, because storage is at a premium, they cannot accept bikes in advance of the booking and I would have to call back next Tuesday. I explained that I would be on holiday and that I'd already cleared all this with an assistant over the phone earlier in the week. He said that the assistant in question was experienced and would never have agreed to something like that.

It really does leave you with nowhere to go, doesn't it, when they say things like that?

I almost replied with See You Next Tuesday but I didn't because, despite the satisfaction it would give me, I would have lost and also because I won't see him next Tuesday. Instead, I told him that I would take my custom elswhere and not return to Halfords. I shall instead book it in for a service when I get back with Reg Braddick, an independent bike specialist.

Yay...!

Today was my last day in work until September 12th. I now have two weeks and one day off and I'm so excited about it that I won't be able to enjoy the lie-ins that I'm now allowed! So, what am I going to do with all that time...?

I have a bit of running around to do initially; things that I've put off recently such a visit to the doctor, dentist, barber etc... I need to get my bike serviced and I have a routine appointment booked at the diabetic clinic to ensure that it is fit to ride and I'm fit to ride it. I haven't forgotten that if it all becomes a bit much, I have the very tempting option of lying down very still in a darkened room - something that I've spent many a day recently aching for. And, of course, I have a week's holiday booked in Istanbul.

Istanbul has always been on my list of places to see; it's a city with a history stretching back at least 2,500 years. Colonized by Greek settlers in 685 BC, it came under Roman control in 196 AD and Roman Capital in 330 AD. After the fall of the Western Roman Empire in 476 AD it became capital of the Byzantine Empire and, following a 53 day seige by Sultan Mehmet II in 1453, it became a capital of the Ottoman Empire. Straddling the Bosphorus, it's the only city in the world to span two continents. Stripped of it's capital status in 1923 it still holds a fascination over Turkey and the rest of the world.

This is my sightseeing list so far:

• Sultanahmet Square
• Roman Hippodrome
• Column of Constantine
• Gülhane Park
• Archaeology Museum
• Istanbul Modern Art Museum
• Topkapi Palace
• Blue Mosque
• Kariye Museum
• Hagia Sofia
• Basilica Sistern
• Cağaloğlu Turkish Baths
• Haydarpasa Railway Station
• Galata Bridge
• Galata Tower
• Dolmabahçe Palace
• Bosphorus Cruise
• Theodosian Walls
• Grand Bazaar
• Suleymaniye Mosque

I'm sure that there'll be plenty of time to sit down over a coffee or beer and watch the world go by too, as well as taking time out for my daily run. If anyone has any suggestions for other things I should see whilst I'm there, drop me a line.

The ladies who lunch...

Cycling into work through the drizzle this morning, I almost ran into a group of women in Cardiff's pedestrianised Hayes. A combination of damp weather, me rushing because I thought I was going to be late and a momentary lapse of attention resulted in a near accident.

To be honest, their age and girth along with their big buckled handbags would probably have resulted in me coming off worse than they. "Watch yourself love", one of them shouted. There must have been five or six in the group; all in their early 60s and done up to the nines. They all laughed and I apologised and then prepared to cycle on when one shouted after me, "Do you fancy being my toy-boy on my birthday?" I mumbled something about it being a tempting offer and hastily cycled on. They all laughed.

What could have turned out as an unpleasant encounter, thanks to a group of middle-aged women out for a bit of shopping and a birthday lunch, instead became one of those inspirational moments that makes your day and restores your faith in humanity. So, here's to the ladies who lunch...

No news is good news...

I've heard that there once was a time, long before the start of 24 hr rolling news, when the BBC used to announce at its news bulletins, "Today, there has been no news" if nothing they deemed newsworthy had happened. The last couple of days have been far removed from that, with the situation changing before our eyes by the minute.

People living in London, Birmingham, Bristol, Liverpool and Manchester have watched the news channels anxiously to find out about the rioting and looting that's been happening in their cities. Indeed, people all over the UK have watched these same news channels hoping that the name of their town or city will not be heard.

There have been rumours on twitter and from friends throughout yesterday and today about the possibility of riots in Cardiff, both last night and tonight. Despite the reports of unrest in Roath and parts of Grangetown being cordoned off last night, these have been proved to be unfounded rumours. One of the best messages I saw on Twitter today was this one from @simonhair this morning, who tweeted,

Walked 5 miles home tonight and the closest I came to trouble was 3 guys singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Please stay that way, Cardiff.

I cycled from the town centre to the bay this afternoon and saw no sign of any unrest; nothing but normality. I had my hair cut in the Docks tonight and my barber seemed to think that there would be no trouble in Cardiff; "Too small", he said. I cycled to the swimming pool for a swim and everything seemed very normal. Watching the tweets coming through on Twitter; there are numerous messages about how quiet Cardiff is tonight. I look around the streets outside and everything looks peaceful. Let's hope it stays that way.

There must be thousands of people out there who would love the BBC to announce that "Today, there has been no news."

Ugly wallpaper and ugly lives...

I'd parked my bike up by Cardiff Central Library yesterday afternoon and gone to the King's Cross to meet a mate. When I returned, my bike was lying on its side; the front wheel having been removed, the front brakes in bits and the chain off. Nothing was stolen but it seemed that much had been broken.

On closer inspection, most of the destruction was easily fixed. It didn't take me long to get the front wheel sorted and putting the chain back on was an easy but messy job. I cycled home without my front brakes as I couldn't figure out how to fix those there and then. I felt really angry and sad at this destruction. Why would anyone want to do this to my bike?

Destruction is such a negative force. There is nothing to inspire or marvel at; there is no effort required other than the blind grunt of lashing out. You don't need to train or study or practice; anyone can do it. Whereas creation is the exact opposite and is something that requires effort and control; it is something to wonder at and to prepare for and practice at; it is something worth doing.

The news today is filled with pictures of burned out buildings and vehicles in Tottenham in North London last night. It seems a riot was sparked after 300 people protested outside a police station following the fatal shooting by police of 29 year old Mark Duggan last Thursday. I have no criticism of legitmate protest (indeed, the right to protest should be protected) but does this rioting and looting move us closer to the truth of what happened or help the grieving family and friends? No. I suspect that what happened in Tottenham last night was a destructive vent manipulated by a minority that couldn't really care about Mark Duggan, his family or his friends.

I don't think that we in the UK are very good when it comes to valuing creative forces. Art in this country is something that is often sidelined and sometimes ridiculed. I'm not quite sure how we change that. I believe that the looting and destruction in Tottenham last night and the vandelism of my bike yesterday afternoon are both related to our poor appreciation of art. By appreciation of art I'm not talking about an appreciation of the finer things in life in a pompous bettering ourselves sort of way. No, I simply mean an understanding of the effort and care required to create something. How much more powerful would yesterday's protest have been had it ended in the creation of something rather than the destruction of so much? There is still time.

Oscar Wilde was a leading figure in the Aesthetic movement of the late 19th Century. On a lecture tour of the US, he was asked why he thought American society was so violent, to which he replied, "because your wallpaper is so ugly". Many people think that he was being very frivolous and trivial; indeed, very Wildean. In fact, his response was a serious and considered remark to be taken at face value. As the erudite Stephen Fry explains in a podcast from 2008: Oscar Wilde believed that if you surround yourself and fill your life with uninspiring, cheap and ugly things then your outlook and values will be uninspiring, cheap and ugly.

A conspiracy of inanimate objects...

There are so many things in this life that we do not fully understand, cannot begin to explain and defy logic to the point of being hocus pocus and voodoo. Before we get to explaining what exactly gravity is or why planes stay up in the sky, maybe we should turn our attention to inexplicables of a more domestic nature.

For me, many of these mysteries are a vindictive conspiracy against me by inanimate objects; when the jam jar lid falls to the floor and lands perfectly balanced on its side before neatly rolling through the 3mm gap between the cooker and the kitchen unit; when the zip on a sweat shirt snags with the t-shirt underneath and, after much tugging, you have to be cut out of both garments; when I have to wait to get in the shower because I can't get my watch off because the folding clasp bracelet won't slide over my hand no matter what I try (although it slipped on easily enough that morning). Surely, these can only be explained by some retributive act by the big beardy man in the sky?

Tonight whilst cycling across the bridge to the pool for a swim, my bike decided to do a little vertical hop for no apparent reason. The path was smooth and I was riding slowly in a straight line and yet it did a little jump. I lost control and nearly went over the handlebars. In trying to regain control, my gonads made a sharp connection with the top of the handlebar post and I gouged a lump out of my ankle with the peddle. This, in turn, triggered an uncontrollable bout of Tourette's, much to the amusement of some passing kids.

I eventually got to the pool and managed to get changed. I limped with throbbing groin and bloodied ankle to the water's edge - looking like a re-enactment of the D-Day Landings (except in red Speedos and looking a bit gay). Swimming, I left a faint signal of blood from my peddle-gouged ankle in my wake. Had I been in open water rather than the safety of Cardiff International Pool, Great Whites would have sniffed me out in no time.

I can quite see how people believed in poltergeists. What other explanation could there be?