Twitticisms II...

Many of you will have read my occasional posts here and there about the things that make me laugh on Twitter. Twitter seems to lend itself to a certain kind of humour. No shaggy dog stories here because you're limited to 140 characters; you have to be concise with any humour and, if you're going to tickle my funny bone, the pithier the better.

And so without further procrastination:

Give a man a job and you have an employee, but teach him to shift blame and you have a manager!
@Llanigan

Two old woman meet for coffee, first lady says "did you come on the bus?" other replies "yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack".
@whyfi

"Jeremy Kyle is like a 21st century Dr Dolittle"... Brilliant quote!! Haha
@phillavelle

I got my dad a wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn't his main present though. Just a stocking filler.
@strutcakes

People who use predictive text are aunts.
@GCostin

Dull, plain looking woman on #superscrimpers tells me to freeze something called "left over wine" No I don't have a clue either.
@chris_burton_

Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
@jeddyamazing

Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit!
@ceri_dee

Just about to Felch my first creme egg of the year.
@Mumraa

I dont think I could ever stab someone, let's be honest I can barely get a straw into a capris sun.
@jameswalker1979

Found out last night that I'm both gay and dyslexic. I'm still in daniel.
@Pundamentalism

As we left hospital once again, we wondered whether to change the safe word from llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
@50ShedsofGrey

You can, of course, see all this and more first hand by joining the other tweeps on Twitter.

1 Year Ago:

Spontaneity...

Run 25/07/2012 19:40
Distance	5:01 km	Time	28:24
Pace	5:40 min/km	Cadence	80 spm
Comments: Sunny and hot.

Run 23/07/2012 17:09
Distance	5:02 km	Time	28:06
Pace	5:36 min/km	Cadence	79 spm
Comments: Sunny and hot.

Is Tom Cruise gay...?

Does anyone care...? Passing a newsagent's on my run yesterday afternoon, I couldn't help but notice how many front pages had Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes splashed all over them, following news on Friday that they are to divorce. With the current crisis besetting the Euro and the news that Barclays manipulated the Libor (and with other major banks under investigation for their part in it), you'd think we'd have something else to talk about. So, in answer to "Does anyone care...?", it seems that people care a great deal about Tom Cruise, his life and his loves.

Following the news of their break up on Friday, Twitter was awash with jokes about Tom finally getting rid of his beard (I should explain that a beard is a term for the pretend female partner a closeted gay man uses to conceal his true sexual orientation - a disguise, if you will). News like this is a goldmine for anyone who fancies themselves as a bit of a wit and Twitter, with its 140 character limit, is the ideal method of delivery for the pithy retort. The beard joke was retweeted until it was threadbare, along with numerous other twitticisms about Tom Cruise and Scientology, Tom Cruise and John Travolta, Tom Cruise's height and, of course, questions about Tom Cruise's sexuality.

Indeed, questions (and inevitably jokes) about Tom Cruise's sexuality have existed for years; they have rumbled on ever since he first entered the public eye in the early 80s. One rumour concerned an alleged homosexual affair he had during the filming of Eyes Wide Shut, the Stanley Kubrick film he made with his then wife, Nicole Kidman. When his attorney got news that letters supporting this affair were to be used in Andrew Morton's biography of Tom Cruise, warnings of legal action were issued. Indeed, his attorney's sledge hammer to crack a nut approach to quash such rumours (and also the reporting of those rumours) has, according to many, wedded the words Tom Cruise to the word gay in the public's mind.

The other word wedded to Tom Cruise is, of course, Scientology. Most of you will be aware that Tom Cruise is a prominent member of the Church of Scientology. Other celebrity members include, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley, Isaac Hayes and Chick Corea. Scientology is a religion that was started in 1953 by science fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard and his wife. Tom Cruise was introduced to Scientology in 1990 by his first wife, Mimi Rogers. Since then he has campaigned for it to be recognised as a religion in Europe. Scientology's opposition to mainstream psychiatry was highlighted when Tom Cruise said, "I think psychiatry should be outlawed". He later went on to criticise actress Brook Shields for using anti-depressants, asserting that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance and that psychiatry is a form of pseudoscience.

Scientology teaches that people are immortal spiritual beings who have forgotten their true nature. Hubbard's views on homosexuality were that it is an aberration and that homosexuals are dangerous to society. In its early history, the Church of Scientology claims to have cured a number of ailments, including "overt homosexuality" by the application of Dianetics - a "science of the mind" that Hubbard invented and is practiced by followers of Scientology (Cruise claims it cured his dyslexia). Has the Church of Scientology changed its stance on homosexuality in recent years? They claim not to dictate sexual preferences but the San Diego branch of the church recently supported Proposition 8, a movement to ban gay marriage in California. If Tom Cruise were gay, he would find himself at odds with a number of his fellow Scientologists.

And it's not just his pronouncements on Scientology that have attracted controversy. Perhaps the most memorable interview Tom Cruise has ever done was the Oprah interview in 2005 where he demonstrated, through some pretty extraordinary behavior, his purported love for Katie Holmes. As many have observed, his actions during the interview, such as dropping to one knee, punching the air and jumping up and down on the sofa, made him look rather foolish. In acting terms, it's a performance that's more pantomime than Method Acting; it's the performance of a desperate man - a man desperate to dispell any rumours that he might be gay? The phrase that springs to mind is, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks". Here it is again for those of you with strong stomachs.

So, is Tom Cruise gay? I certainly hope not!

1 Year Ago:

Best run of the week...

Run 30/06/2012 13:03
Distance	5:06 km	Time	28:24
Pace	5:37 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Sunny but blustery.

Run 29/06/2012 17:39
Distance	5.30 km	Time	31:39
Pace	5:58 min/km	Cadence	80 spm
Comments: Sunny.

Celebrity tweeps I follow...

You can tell a lot about someone's personality by the celebrity tweeps they follow. Make what you will of it but here is my list:

Stephen Fry: British Actor, Writer, Lord of Dance, Prince of Swimwear & Blogger.
Mark Gatiss: ‏Actor. Writer. Strangler.
Gareth Thomas: It's not where I'm going, it's where I come from that's important to me.
Dr Christian Jessen: ‏British doctor and sexual health campaigner. Presenter of Channel 4's Supersize Vs Superskinny & the BAFTA award winning Embarrassing Bodies.
Russell Tovey‏: My views are not my own and are associated with really big massive corporations.
Jeremy Hardy: I was born a coalminer's daughter. In a cabin, on a hill in Butcher Holler.
Tomasz Schafernaker: ‏Weather Forecaster and TV Presenter, BBC.
Brian Cox: Currently working on a book and lecture course at the University of Manchester. About to start filming Wonders of Life for BBC / Discovery Science Channel.
Dan Snow: Broadcaster and historian. BBC in the UK, History in Canada and PBS/ Military Channel in the US. App just released: www.timelineww2.com.
Evan Davis: This is the bloke on the Radio 4 Today programme, Dragons' Den and the Bottom Line. Author of Made in Britain. These are only my views - the BBC has no views.
Richard Dawkins: Richard Dawkins' Personal Twitter Account.
Sue Perkins: Mutton dressed as mutton.
Chris Packham: Naturalist and BBC broadcaster.
Alan Cumming: Scottish elf trapped inside middle aged man's body
Jake Shears: Singer, dancer, scissor, sister.
Ian McKellen: A‏ctor and activist.

Not quite sure what this says about me...?

Twitticisms...

Every once in a while I like to re-read the tweets that I've favourited (is that a word?) over the last few months. I blogged about laughing at my favourite tweets in September and since then I seem to have accumulated quite a store.

There are some seriously funny (and other oxymoronic descriptions of) tweeps in the twitterverse. Re-reading their gems always reduces me to tears of laughter. This morning was another one of those occasions. Here's the cream of the crop:

I was seeing this guy and it was going really well until he closed his curtains.
@TheCowlicker

So sex between 3 people is called a threesome and sex between 2 people is called a twosome... Now I know why everyone calls you handsome.
@whyfi

I just met a woman who uses bathroom cleaner to wash her dog's hair. Flash bitch.
@TheMrWriter

If anyone likes the smell of hamster cages and shit then I thoroughly recommend shopping at Morrisons
@DJ_Dave_Edwards

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip? Killed in a tunnel.
@davieboy123

"The Iron Lady" - the new film about Margaret Thatcher has a '15' rating. It's unsuitable for miners.
@PTLeeDillon

Was at the gym yesterday & noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in. Well she made a complaint now I'm barred for life!
@JaseJordan

I pulled a guy with eczema last night. Cracking arse!
@strutherschris

Texting is basically just Twitter for people who have friends.
@RexHuppke

All this and much more, available on a smart phone near you. Now.

Today's run at 08:24
Distance	4.02 km	Time	22:30
Pace	5:36 min/km	Cadence	82 spm
Comments: Fresh, clear.

Fear and hatred...

Well, I heeded last night's advice and left my running jacket at home for tonight's run, only to get soaked to the skin by the downpours of rain and the spray from traffic on the roads. To be honest, I quite liked it; that blissful feeling of feedom, of madness and of joy knowing that you can't get any wetter. I'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank the driver of the tanker who took such pleasure in driving so close to the gutter over the A4232 bridge across the Bay that he sent a wall of water over everyone he passed (including me). Despite this, I ran 4.01 km in 22'10" at an average pace of 5'31"/km.

We had a conversation in work today about phobias. It got me thinking as I ran tonight. I realised that I don't really have any phobias. Yes, there are many things I'm not too keen on and some things I actively dislike but I don't think anything falls into that special fear and hatred, cold sweat category. I admit that I don't like spiders very much and whilst I don't really want to go anywhere near them, I'm more than capable of brushing them into a mug and throwing them out through the kitchen window.

One colleague admitted to a phobia of whales. She said that she'd had nightmares where she's been swimming and felt something brush past her in the water only to discover that it was a Blue Whale. Another colleague has a phobia of Star-nosed Moles. I didn't know what a Star-nosed Mole was until he explained. Not the cuddliest of animals but (said in a Texan accent) "they's all God's creatures". I once worked with a woman who had a phobia of Quavers. Strange. Here's a list of phobias - how many can you tick?

Of course, these phobias are all very silly and inconsequential when compared to the fear and hatred felt and dished out on a casual basis by some people. I read today of the murder on the weekend of Stuart Walker whose partially clothed, beaten and charred remains were found by Strathclyde Police on the weekend. Police are not ruling this out as a homophobic attack. Following the attack, a Jay Miller (pictured, should anyone spot him in the street and wish to discuss his homophobia with him face to face) used Twitter to post a string of homophobic abuse about the attack under the profile @mabsmiller. His tweets included, "Better dead now than infecting people with #Aids," and "Bet when they put you out you was like a frazzle!"

It's frightening to think that fear and hatred to this degree still exists in the UK.

Running cadence...

Yesterday, a friend of mine (@tippettsimon) tweeted about adjusting his running cadence. Now when it comes to running, I tend to listen to Simon - he's got quite a bit of experience. And when I read his tweet, I had to Google it to find out what he was tweeting about - what the hell is a running cadence? Once Googled, I realised that by coincidence on Tuesday night's run I had tried the exact same thing. I just didn't know the term running cadence to describe it.

Cadence is defined as the beat or measure of something rhythmic. A running cadence is another term for a stride rate. Elite athletes have a running cadence of 110 (that's 110 left or right footfalls in a minute). Seasoned runners should aim for 90+.

I have often thought that other runners seem to move their legs quicker than mine and so, on last Tuesday night's run, I quickened my pace. Banished was my giraffe like langourous cantor to be replaced by a squirrel like scuttle. I've no idea of the cadence of my giraffe nor, for that matter, the cadence of my squirrel. What I do know is that I consistently ran faster that night and I knocked a good couple of minutes off my run.

I repeated the exercise tonight and, again, I managed to reduce my time. I guess it's obvious; if you move your legs faster then you are going to run faster. What surprises me most is that the energy spent to do so isn't nearly as much as I'd expected. I wasn't gasping for breath as I thought I would be and this made me wonder how lesiurely my runs must have become over the last year or so (none so leisurely as Rob Sloane's runs).

I don't have any fancy pedometers or running watches to measure my running cadence. I have a Polar watch with a stopwatch that I can never switch off and I used to have a Nike+ pedometer but it kept giving inaccurate readings or missing runs. It was infuriating and took a lot of the pleasure out of running. But without such equipment I really have no idea what my running cadence is. I think tomorrow I will go to a music shop at lunchtime and buy a cheap electronic metronome so I can set my running cadence. Look out for the scuttling squirrel around the Bay.

You can read more about running cadences at Marathon Training Tips.

Singing like a canary...

Before I went for my run tonight, I was checking my Twitter account on my mobile and ended up reading some of the tweets other people have generated that I've marked and saved as favorites. Some I've stored as favorites because the point being made is an interesting one, some because they link to a document that I want to look at later and some simply because they made me laugh out loud. Rediscovering this one hit the proverbial funny bone and bouyed me along throughout my entire run this evening:

I've woken up with calfs like an angry tranny
@TeamRivers

I've had a Twitter profile for over a year but couldn't really see any reason to tweet or read anyone else's tweets. I sort of missed the point. That is, until the bad weather hit us in December of last year when Twitter became a bit of a lifeline in trying to find out what buses and trains were running. I didn't really tweet much myself until the summer of this year when my friend, @Jaime_Falarczyk, bullied me into taking an interest and I liked what I saw. When I started this blog I found tweeting an excellent way of publicising new posts.

Being a relatively new and a moderately taciturn tweeter, I don't have that many followers. Compared to some tweeters with their followers running into thousands (@stephenfry has over 3 million followers), my select and discerning group of 53 is absolutely miniscule. However, that is not the point. The things I like about Twitter are its immediacy, its local relevance and the dazzling (and sometimes obscene) examples of wit that lift your spirits and make your day. With that in mind (and with a warning that some of these are quite filthy), I offer you some of the tweets that have made me smile over the last couple of months (twitticisms, if you will):

How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.
@TheCowlicker

Some people just need a highfive. In the face. With a chair.
@nicklawliet

@Squibby_ saw this on someone's profile and thought of you... "looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality"
@Neily82

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver
@jimmiecee

I was absolutely disgusted after I accidentally clicked on some gay porn today. Worst 3 hours of my life.
@A1

So "it's raining men" is a song about bukkake?
@matted1

How many homophobes does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they fear change even if it makes the world brighter.
@TeamBrittana

I was SEVENTEEN before I realised the teams on University Challenge didn't sit on top of each other.
@sensiblestu

I've not had sex in so long, when I fart, only dogs can hear it.
@PTLeeDillon

Twitter does seem to attract nastiness sometimes doesn't it? But luckily being a sexual health doctor I'm used to dealing with dicks. ;-) x
@DoctorChristian

You can see for yourself by signing up for Twitter here and you can follow me by clicking on the Get Twatted button in the right hand menu.

Thanks, @duncanalexander!

Infected...

To those of you that arrived here via the link in my tweet; well done! I salute your bravery, given that my twitter account was compromised last night and, while I slept, it decided to spam everyone with wonderous money making and dietry claims. I'd understand completely were you now a little sceptical regarding the clicking of any link I recommended.

On my run tonight I got to thinking why I didn't spot the tweet as spam. Why did I click on the link in the message? When I actually realised what had happened, I felt really foolish and more than a little embarrassed. Of course, there was no need to feel foolish or embarrassed; all I'd done was let down my guard momentarily. As I pounded around the bay tonight, I began to feel a little more relaxed about it.

I have a natural (and healthy) scepticism that usually keeps me safe. Had I received the spam that read "Did you hear about how i make money from home part-time? u should give it a shot here http://etcetc" or "Want to lose weight fast? Then you gotta see this http://etcetc", I wouldn't have been duped. Much of the spam that gets sent is an inappropriate match for its intended audience and it fails. However, every so often it works; the reason being of course that the recipient thinks it's genuine.

The one that got me last night was from a friend at work and, in my head, I can hear him now saying it, ROFL this pic i found of you had me dying lol http://etcetc. It was only after clicking on the link several times that it started to dawn on me what I'd done. By then, of course, it was too late.

If you find that your Twitter account has been compromised, you can find out what you should do in their help section. In short:

• Change your password
• Revoke connections
• Update your new password in your trusted third-party applications

No news is good news...

I've heard that there once was a time, long before the start of 24 hr rolling news, when the BBC used to announce at its news bulletins, "Today, there has been no news" if nothing they deemed newsworthy had happened. The last couple of days have been far removed from that, with the situation changing before our eyes by the minute.

People living in London, Birmingham, Bristol, Liverpool and Manchester have watched the news channels anxiously to find out about the rioting and looting that's been happening in their cities. Indeed, people all over the UK have watched these same news channels hoping that the name of their town or city will not be heard.

There have been rumours on twitter and from friends throughout yesterday and today about the possibility of riots in Cardiff, both last night and tonight. Despite the reports of unrest in Roath and parts of Grangetown being cordoned off last night, these have been proved to be unfounded rumours. One of the best messages I saw on Twitter today was this one from @simonhair this morning, who tweeted,

Walked 5 miles home tonight and the closest I came to trouble was 3 guys singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Please stay that way, Cardiff.

I cycled from the town centre to the bay this afternoon and saw no sign of any unrest; nothing but normality. I had my hair cut in the Docks tonight and my barber seemed to think that there would be no trouble in Cardiff; "Too small", he said. I cycled to the swimming pool for a swim and everything seemed very normal. Watching the tweets coming through on Twitter; there are numerous messages about how quiet Cardiff is tonight. I look around the streets outside and everything looks peaceful. Let's hope it stays that way.

There must be thousands of people out there who would love the BBC to announce that "Today, there has been no news."