Meretricious (and a happy new year)...

Sad news today to hear that Gore Vidal is dead. He was a friend of Eleanor Roosevelt, Princess Margaret, Tennesse Williams and Leonard Bernstein. He was close to John F Kennedy and confident of Jackie Kennedy. With his quick wit and brutal frankness, he often seemed the only voice of reason and critical thought to emanate from the US.

Vidal was an author, playwright, essayist, screenwriter and political activist. He wrote plays that were Broadway hits (The Best Man and Visit to a Small Planet), historical novels (Burr, 1876 and Lincoln), political essays (Armageddon? and United States: Essays 1952–1992) and film screenplays (Ben-Hur and the original draft for Caligula). His autobiography, Palimpsest is well worth digging out.

He was known for his acerbic tongue and lightning wit. Asked whether his first romantic encounter was homosexual or heterosexual, Vidal replied that he had been "too polite to ask". The BBC have put together a list of quotes to mark his death. They all display the man's sharp sense of humour.

My favorite quote is not included in the BBC's list. It goes something like:

The British writer Richard Adams, appearing alongside Vidal on That Was The Week That Was, called his work "meretricious" "Pardon?" said Vidal. "Meretricious" repeated Adams. In a split second Vidal was back at him, "Meretricious to you," he smiled, "and a happy new year."

You can find out more about Gore Vidal here.

1 Year Ago:

Where's the justice...?

Run 01/08/2012 17:29
Distance	5:01 km	Time	29:00
Pace	5:47 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Heavy downpours.

Run 30/07/2012 17:38
Distance	5:01 km	Time	30:15
Pace	6:02 min/km	Cadence	79 spm
Comments: Grey.

Run 27/07/2012 16:57
Distance	5:06 km	Time	30:13
Pace	5:59 min/km	Cadence	79 spm
Comments: Sunny and hot.

Judy, Judy, Judy...

Forty three years ago today Judy Garland died. It was 1969 and her 5th husband, Mickey Deans (whom she'd only married in March of that year), discovered her body in her rented apartment in Chelsea, London.

The cause of death was an overdose of barbituates and debate rages as to whether this overdose was accidental or intentional. Her Wizard of Oz co-star Ray Bolger commented at her funeral, "She just plain wore out."

Garland had always had a large gay following and that increased following her death. It is said that the increased emotion around grieving for her was partly responsible for the Stonewall Riots in Greenwich Village, New York City in the early hours of June 29th (her funeral took place June 28th). The Stonewall Riots are cited as the birth place of the modern gay movement, "when the drag queens and faggots fought back" against the police raids.

Everybody has their favorite Judy film. For many it will be The Wizard of Oz, for others it will be Meet Me in St Louis. For me it has to be A Star is Born. Her performance of The Man that Got Away is perfection.

But not quite as good as mine...

Victor Spinetti...

Victor Spinetti died yesterday. He was a Welsh actor, writer, director and raconteur. He found fame with Joan Littlewood's Theatre Workshop and in the films he made with the Beatles. He performed for the RSC, in the West End and on Broadway and was a talented mimic.

I was lucky enough to meet him a few times during my time as an actor. He always told a good story:

Victor was working on a play in Paris and his mother and sister were visiting from Cwm. Rehearsals were running late and so he rang up his good friend Marlene Dietrich to ask if she would entertain them at his hotel until such time as he could get there.

After rehearsals had finished and he dashed across town in a cab, he walked into the lobby of his hotel to find his mother and sister sat in the bar with Dietrich. They were dressed identically in homemade dresses, the material having been bought in Pontypool market and there they were; giving Marlene Dietrich beauty and fashion tips.

He had hundreds of funny anecdotes, many of which found their way into his books and into his one man shows. Here's the BBC News obituary. Here's the Guardian's obituary.

R.I.P. Victor Spinetti 1929 - 2012

Now voyager...

Walt Whitman was a 19th Century American poet and essayist. He published a collection of poems called Leaves of Grass, which was thought obscene because of it's overt sexuality. He is generally regarded as an opposer to slavery and it's believed that he was gay or bisexual

Perhaps one of his most famous lines is from his poem The Untold Want, "The untold want, by life and land ne’er granted, Now, Voyager, sail thou forth, to seek and find." It was famously used as the title to the Bette Davis film, Now Voyager. Here's the most famous scene from the film. Cigarette sales went through the roof on its release.

Oh and happy birthday Walt...

Today's run at 17:55
Distance	5.08 km	Time	27:14
Pace	5:22 min/km	Cadence	80 spm
Comments: Grey.

Pathetic earthlings...

I shaved my head on the weekend, as I normally do but this time I took it a little shorter than usual. It's strange how people notice a 2mm difference. I've had quite a few comments in work today. I rather like it this short; the only problem being that it grows out so quickly. Joking with a friend of mine yesterday, I said that I thought I looked like Emperor Ming the Merciless from the 1980 film, Flash Gordon. He didn't disagree.

Luckily, Emperor Ming the Merciless has been a role model for me since I was 18 when I first saw the film on its original release. With a cosmic cast including, Timothy Dalton, Brian Blessed, Richard O'Brien, Peter Wyngarde, Topol and, of course Max Von Sydow as Ming; a superb soundtrack by Queen; some truly cheesy lines and a barrel of shit special effects, Flash Gordon holds a special place in my heart.

Today's run at 17:57
Distance	5.01 km	Time	27:16
Pace	5:26 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Broken sunshine.

A very narrow view...

So, Robert Redford's had a pop at Cameron (David and not James) for his call to "UK producers to make commercially successful pictures". Redford said that this was "a very narrow view" adding "That may be why he's in trouble".

I would think that the highest priority with most producers is to make good films. I also think that most producers really hope to make commercially successfully films, because that means that people are watching their films.

Of course, the best films aren't always the most commercially successful. The best films, the most innovative films, the most creative films often (to use a phrase adopted by business) push the envelope in some way. They don't always succeed because of this but their styles, themes and techniques are often adopted more widely later and eventually become the commercial pictures of the following season.

Notable box office flops include:

The Great Dictator
The Wizard of Oz
To Be Or Not To Be
New York, New York
Peeping Tom
Dune
Citizen Kane
It's A Wonderful Life
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Blade Runner

I'm so pleased that the producers behind these didn't listen to David Cameron.

Cameron's statement clearly displays his lack of understanding and ignorance on this subject. Maybe he should stick to things he knows about such as...

Today's run at 18:27
Distance	5.01 km	Time	27:12
Pace	5:26 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Drizzle.

Horst Buchholz made me gay...

Horst Buchholz died 9 years ago today. He was born in Germany 1933 and died aged 69 on March 3rd 2003. He had a beauty that was strangely modern - the picture to the right was taken, I think, during the 1950's. You'd be forgiven for thinking that it was taken during the 1980's.

He appeared in many films, most notably as Chico in The Magnificent Seven. But it is for his appearance in another film that I love him. In 1959 he appeared in Tiger Bay alongside John Mills and his daughter, Hayley Mills, in her debut picture. The film follows the story of a Polish sailor (Korchinsky), played by Horst Buchholz, who shoots his girlfriend whilst on shore leave in Cardiff and is helped whilst on the run by a young girl played by Hayley Mills - the only witness to the murder.

It's a highly entertaining film and has an added interest for me in that it's set in a now long disappeared Cardiff of the 1950's. More specifically, the main backdrop for the film is Cardiff's docklands, once known as Tiger Bay but now called Cardiff Bay, which is where I now live.

I first saw the film when I was eight or nine years old and I remember being fascinated by it. Of course, at that time, it was not the location that interested me as I didn't move to Cardiff's docks until the 1990s. No, I was fascinated, enraptured, besotted even by this man's beauty. Before I had the faintest inkling that I was gay; in all innocence - I fell in love with a Polish sailor called Korchinsky. I never tire of watching the film.

It's almost as if Buchholz shaped my idea of male beauty entering my imagination as he did at such an early age. How interesting to now learn that he was bisexual. Here's a clip from the film Tiger Bay. The area where this scene was filmed is now known as Mermaid Quay; how times change.

R.I.P. Horst Buchholz.

Today's run at 08:29
Distance	4.01 km	Time	22:45
Pace	5:40 min/km	Cadence	82 spm
Comments: Sunny, blustery, cold.

A state of life that calls for another way of living...

One of my favorite films has to be Koyaanisqatsi by Godfrey Reggio. Its the film that broke new ground with its time-lapse and slow motion photography of natural and latterly urban landscapes. It has no plot and no characters but does boast a score by minimalist composer, Philip Glass.

Koyaanisqatsi is a Hopi Indian word that means chaotic life or crazy life; the film also defines it as life in turmoil and life disintegrating and a state of life that calls for another way of living. When you watch it the meanings become apparent as the film unfolds.

Released in 1982, it has been hugely influential, and not just with other films; pop videos, commerials, computer games, TV series and animation have all paid homage to the film and its score.

Here's the section entitled Pruitt Igoe. Mesmerising.

Today's run at 17:57
Distance	4.06 km	Time	22:23
Pace	5:31 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Cloudy. Drizzle.

Floreat St. Trinian's...

I was saddened to hear today that Ronald Searle died on December 30th. Despite a wealth of other work published here in the UK and across the world, he is best known for his cartoon strip about the shabby, private boarding school for girls, St. Trinian's.

Most people of my age will remember the TV broadcasts in the 1970s of the series of films based on Searle's original cartoons. I remember savouring those anarchic scenes of violence and depravity set in, of all places, a girls' boarding school in the 1950s.

The school represents a portrait of a post war Britain: disillusioned and amateur, surviving on rationing and petty crime; where any comfort had to be stolen or illegally bought on the black market; where money could be made by those shrewd enough to spot it and quick enough to take it. This was a Britain bankrupt by the war and living on handouts from the yanks. A Britain that presented a respectable front to the world whilst turning a blind eye to its shady reality; best summed up by the phrase, fur coat and no knickers.

The cast of the first film, The Belles of St. Trinian's (1954), included: Alastair Sim, Joyce Grenfell, George Cole, Beryl Reid, Irene Handl, Joan Sims, Sid James and young Barbara Windsor in her first film role. It reads like a who's who of British comedy. As is the way with sequels, they got steadily worse with every subsequent production.

The Belles of St. Trinian's iconic score was written by one of the greatest composers of the 20th Century, Sir Malcolm Arnold. Who can forget the original St. Trinian's theme? It sounds like something written by the music teacher and badly played by the school orchestra - a brilliant concept by Arnold.

Finally, here's a scene from The Belles of St. Trinian's that brings it all flooding back. Thank you Ronald Searle - May St. Trinian's Flourish...

Today's run at 17:18
Distance	4.04 km	Time	22:22
Pace	5:32 min/km	Cadence	81 spm
Comments: Very windy. Mild backache.

If you'd been any prettier...

In 1961, Peter O'Toole started filming in the title role of David Lean's epic, Lawrence of Arabia. By the time filming was finished 18 months later, he'd lost 13kgs, sprained both ankles, dislocated his spine, broken his thumb, received third-degree burns, torn ligaments in his hip and thigh, sprained his neck and was twice concussed.

Lawrence Of Arabia was hailed as a masterpiece when it opened in 1962. His extraordinary performance made him a star. "I woke up one morning to find I was famous. I bought a white Rolls-Royce and drove down Sunset Boulevard, wearing dark specs and a white suit, waving like the Queen Mum. Nobody took any fucking notice, but I thoroughly enjoyed it."

His hard drinking and flamboyant character have often made the headlines. He is reputed to have once said, "I can't stand light. I hate weather. My idea of heaven is moving from one smoke-filled room to another." When asked if he had any regrets about his hard drinking reputation he replied, "Regrets, ah," he said, "Only French singers don't have regrets."

Upon the release of Lawrence of Arabia, Noel Coward is said to have told O'Toole, "If you'd been any prettier, it would have been Florence of Arabia."

Today's run at 17:44
Distance	3.98 km	Time	21:39
Pace	5:26 min/km	Cadence	82 spm

Camp as tits...

A friend of mine from my college days used to use the phrase, camp as tits to describe anything that he thought was really camp. I could never work out why female secondary sexual characteristics should be camp (unless some guy is wearing a false pair perhaps - which, I guess, is what he meant) but I like the phrase anyway.

Whilst most of us recognise it when we see it, defining camp is not easy. The Oxford English Dictionary gives it the following definition: ostentatious, exaggerated, affected, theatrical; effeminate or homosexual; pertaining to, characteristic of, homosexuals. In Susan Sontag's essay Notes on 'Camp', she emphasises artifice, frivolity, naïve middle-class pretentiousness and shocking excess as key elements of camp. In his book, Camp, Mark Booth defines it as "to present oneself as being committed to the marginal with a commitment greater than the marginal merits."

All of the following may be considered camp: Judy Garland, Bette Davis, Bette Midler, Carry On films, the films of John Waters, The Munsters, The Addams Family, Dynasty, Dallas, the 1960s TV series of Batman, Absolutely Fabulous, British panto, drag, retro fashion, the 1970s, musical theatre, John Inman, Dale Winton, Russell Harty, Kenneth Williams, The Eurovision Song Contest, Eurotrash, ABBA, Cilla Black, Liberace, Marlene Dietrich and, of course, Kylie Minogue. I'm sure you could come up with as many yourself in just a couple of minutes.

Search on any of the above in YouTube and you'll see enough examples of camp to make you a world wide authority on the subject. Alternatively, you might just want to watch this example I came across recently which does it for me...

Today's run at 17:17
Distance	4.07 km	Time	21:32
Pace	5:18 min/km	Cadence	83 spm

A pair of star crossed lovers...

Stories live on through their reinvention. It's the retelling of a tale for a changing and evolving culture that keeps the story relevant, ensuring it lives and breathes for a new audience. Stories that have a relevance for us live on and, for Western society, Romeo and Juliet, it seems, is one of those relevant stories.

We all know the tragic story of this pair of star crossed lovers but, had it not been for this tale being reinterpreted time and again for different cultures over the last 2,000 years or so, it might languish as a forgotten fable; of interest only to academics. Indeed, you might argue that we needed it to be interpreted because of the gap it fills; we may have no choice but to reinterpret this tale.

The story of Romeo and Juliet existed before Shakespeare got hold of it. He did not invent the story but, rather, reinvented it for Elizabethan society. Romeo and Juliet draws its narrative strands from a number of different sources stretching back to antiquity. In the form we recognise, it came together as an Italian novella by Matteo Bandello in 1554. It was then translated and reshaped by Arthur Brook into a narrative poem entitled, The Tragical History of Romeus and Juliet in 1562. William Painter then published the story as part of a prose collection of Italian tales, Palace of Pleasure in 1582. Some time between 1591 and 1595 Shakespeare got hold of it and turned it into a play.

Since then, Shakespeare's text has been staged countless times and each time it has been reinterpreted in some way to make it relevant to a particular audience. In addition to the stage productions there have been numerous celluloid versions throughout the 20th & 21st Centuries. These have been tailored for different audiences, speaking different languages, living under different circumstances and at different times over the past 100 years or so. Each version reaches out to it's audience in a different way.

Compare Franco Zeffirelli's 1968 film, Romeo and Juliet with Baz Luhrmann's 1996 film, William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet. Both are acclaimed productions but look and feel remarkably different. Zeffirelli's is set in Verona in Italy in the late 1500s whilst Luhrmann's is set in Verona Beach in 1996. One looks like an historically accurate version whilst the other looks very modern and updated. Make no mistake, both speak to the audiences of their day: 1968 and 1996.

One of the biggest successes of Luhrmann's is his casting and direction of Harold Perrineau as Mercutio. He's a difficult character to make relevant to a contemporary audience because of the mix that makes up his character: he has an edge of aggression but equally a romantic quality. He is hot headed and impulsive yet insightful and philosophical. He mixes poetic sweetness with the vulgar and the course. Take a look at Luhrmann's take on Mercutio's arrival at the Capulet's party - glorious!

The story of Romeo and Juliet has been retold through operas, ballets, jazz pieces, choral works, symphonies, pop songs and (most famously) musical theatre. Indeed, West Side Story is probably its most popular and original reinterpretation in recent times. The production is iconic, the choreography is breathtaking and the music instantly recognisable. Enjoy!

He died with a smile on his face...

Ken Russell died yesterday after a series of recent strokes. He was 84 and, his son reported that he died with a smile on his face. He was one of the best film directors this country has ever produced.

For anyone in any doubt:

Women In Love (1969)
The Music Lovers (1970)
The Devils (1971)
The Boyfriend (1971)
Mahler (1974)
Tommy (1975)
Liztomania (1975)
Valentino (1977)
Altered States (1980)
Gothic (1986)

Mark Kermode said of him, "Somebody who proved that British cinema didn't have to be about kitchen-sink realism". Mad as a box of frogs but an innovative and wonderful director.

Ken Russell 1927-2011

Today's run at 17:24
Distance	4.03 km	Time	21:14
Pace	5:16 min/km	Cadence	82 spm

The Inn of the Sixth Happiness...

The Inn of the Sixth Happiness is a film based on The Small Woman, Alan Burgess' biography of Gladys Aylward. She was an English woman who, against advice, became a Christian missionary in China during the 1930's; effecting social reform and eventually leading a group of orphaned children to safety following the Japanese invasion.

The Inn of the Sixth Happiness starred Ingrid Bergman in the lead role and was filmed in 1958 at Elstree studios and on location in Snowdonia where the Beddgelert area doubled for the Chinese countryside (it was also where Carry on up the Khyber was filmed ten years later). Rumour has it that the studio used staff from every Chinese restaurant in Liverpool, Birmingham and Manchester for the extras needed for the film.

This film always makes me cry. Guaranteed. Every time. I first saw it with my mother when I was only 7 or 8 where I cried - and I've cried on every subsequent viewing. I'm not sure why it gets me going and I'm not sure I want to know why. It's something deep down; a gut level reaction and boy do I blub whenever I watch it. I even start to well up when I hear Malcolm Arnold's music from the film.

Here's the film's climactic last scene. Now, where's my box of Kleenex...

I mean to have you even if it must be burglary...

I've been a little at odds today; thrown completely by the clocks going back. I've not known what the time was because my internal clock has been at odds with every clock I've seen; whether they've been displaying GMT or BST. This finally resolved itself with darkness setting in a whole hour early and me accepting that winter is close upon us.

Close it may be but you'd never guess by this afternoon's sunshine. I spent it cycling around Cardiff Bay in the good weather this penultimate day of October delivered. After yesterday's hangover, it was good to get a little active and enjoy being out. Who'd've believed it; a shorts and sunglasses day on October 30th - unseasonable indeed.

I went for a swim this afternoon for the first time in a while. The pool was quite empty and set at its full 50m length and so my swim felt quite serene. In the late afternoon I watched Withnail & I. I'd seen much of it before; years ago when it first came out but I think I was drunk when I saw it then and ended up falling asleep. It was good to borrow the DVD and get a second chance at it.

I've never really liked Richard E Grant as an actor, although I can't help but be impressed by his performance as Withnail. I don't think he's an easy actor to like. Richard Griffiths as Uncle Monty is quite brilliant and a delight to watch. Everything I've ever seen him do has been quite wonderful; one of those actors you can never get enough of.

And Paul McGann as Marwood delivers the most understated performance in the film but quietly, perhaps, the best. Is it just me or is he quite handsome as Marwood? He's certainly got the phwoar factor. I would! Indeed, he still looks good in later publicity shots. I feel like I'm turning into Uncle Monty... "I mean to have you even if it must be burglary."

Nun's the word...

I noticed this morning that Sister Act was scheduled to be screened (yet again) on Film 4 tonight. I love Sister Act. I've seen it countless times but never from the beginning. I'd intended to watch it from the beginning for the first time tonight, however, I got stuck in work and didn't really think about it until I was home, changed and about 5 minutes into my run.

What is it about nuns that I find so funny? The nuns in The Sound of Music are often the butt of jokes. There are other films; serious films that feature nuns which make me smile such as, The Nun's Story, Black Narcissus and The Song of Bernadette. That's without naming the numerous comedy films to feature nuns. In fact, the only nun film that I haven't ended up sniggering at is The Magdalene Sisters; a harrowing experience from beginning to end.

There's an order of nuns called the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. They were founded by gay men in San Fransisco in the 1970s; they use drag and catholic imagery to draw attention to LGBT issues and to raise money for related causes. Often to be seen in an outlandish wimple, complete with full habit and on rollerskates, the order has a structure, including a Mother Inferior, and a number of saints. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence rollerskate but I wonder if real nuns jog?

By the time I returned from my run, Deloris Van Cartier had transformed into Sister Mary Clarence and I'd missed the beginning of Sister Act, yet again. However, as I sat down to eat my dinner they started to sing Oh Maria and as I continued to eat the film played out before me. I finished eating just in time to sing along to I Will Follow Him.

I'm in rapture now...

Teaching your granny to suck eggs...

A friend of mine, Gareth, has just returned from a week in Berlin (I'm envious). We have a standing joke that I think he'd be very popular with the gay community (whatever that is) because of his bear/cub like looks; he just needs to change his sexuality. On his return from Berlin, he'd bought me some Gummi Bears as a souvenir of his trip - apparently, they originated in Germany. And today I ate far too many of them.

On my run tonight I felt laden with a coagulation of half digested, multi coloured, gelatine lumps in my stomach. It was the revenge of the Gummi Bears. As I ran I was reminded of Hedwig and the Angry Inch because of the Gummi Bears scene between the black US soldier, Luther, and Hansel (later, Hedwig). This is one of my favorite films: a rock musical about an East Berlin transgendered rock singer on a tour of Bilgewater Restaurants in the US; as she tells her life story and persues her ex boyfriend, who has stolen her songs and hit the big time. Hilarious but also quite moving.

The other thing that I thought about on my run was Bearforce1, a group of four gay bears who cover gay dance anthems. Gareth introduced me to these earlier in the year. Again, hilarious (especially when Gareth does his dance).

Talk about teaching your granny to suck eggs...

There is Nothing Like a Dame II...

As you've probably gathered from last night's post, I'm a bit of a Maggie Smith fan (show me a homosexual who doesn't like her). Why? Well, I think she's a first rate actress; on film, TV or on stage. I've only ever seen her on stage once, playing Lady Bracknell in Nicholas Hytner's 1993 production of The Importance of Being Earnest at the Aldwych. I don't remember much about Richard E Grant's Algernon nor Alex Jennings' Jack but I do remember Maggie Smith's stork like Lady Bracknell.

'The role of Lady Bracknell has always been haunted by the formidable ghost of Edith Evans, but at last another theatrical Dame has stolen the coveted crown and placed it firmly on her own head. Maggie Smith, with her handspan waist and sucked-lemon lips, is totally commanding.'

She's certainly an excellent comic actress who subtly brings to life that repressed English middle class female, half strangled by her own sense of decency. Witness her performance in Alan Bennett's A Private Function opposite Michael Palin. It is comic genius. Her aspirations, her apologies for her ageing mother (played by Liz Smith) and her ruthlessness to claw her way up the social ladder make for some wonderfully enjoyable scenes.

I've heard that she has an excellent and wicked sense of humour. As Desdemona to Olivier's Othello (which he also directed), he made the big error of criticising her for what he believed to be sloppy articulation. He advocated much rounder vowel sounds. Maggie took the point coldly and waited for the next performance. At interval, she popped her head round the door of Olivier’s dressing room, where he sat, blacked up as Othello and naked. All she said was, “How Now, Brown Cow?”

Another Maggie fix this weekend, I think, with more Downton episodes from the first series. I'll then catch up with the second series. Life's tough...

There is Nothing Like a Dame...

As is my way, I come to such things late. I missed the first ever episode of Downton Abbey and never managed to catch up and so Downton mania has passed me by. Whenever I've seen Facebook updates or Twitter tweets mentioning Downton, I've ignored them.

Knowing I'd have some time to kill on a train journey earlier in the week, I downloaded Downton Abbey, episode 1, series 1. Wow! Why didn't anyone tell me? On the strength of the first episode, I've now downloaded the entire series.

I have to admit that a major draw for me (and every other gay man with a TV) has to be Maggie Smith. I'm a major fan of this woman. No-one delivers a line quite like her:

Diana Barrie: We should never have come. I never know how to dress in this bloody country. It is so easy to dress in England. You just put on warm clothing. (California Suite).

Joyce Chilvers: I think sexual intercourse is in order, Gilbert. (A Private Function).

Susan: Shows me pictures of other gods, getting up to [pause] all sorts. "Well," I said, "she looks a very busy lady. Is that yoga?" "Well, it helps", he said. (Talking Heads - A Bed Among The Lentils).

Reverend Mother: Brace yourself, sisters. Spread out and look for Mary Clarence. Try to blend in. (Sister Act).

Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: What is a weekend? (Downton Abbey).

Fantabulosa...!

Every breath you take...

He had the perfect swimmer's body. He stood at the edge of the pool towering above me, as I clung to the side adjusting my goggles below him. He jumped into my lane and swam the entire 25m length without surfacing for air. I was impressed. He turned and did exactly the same on the way back. I was doubly impressed. I passed him doing my Steamboat Willy impersonation and, try as I might, I couldn't see his blowhole.

When I swim I don't seem to be able to hold my breathe for very long at all. As I thrash swim up and down the pool, I find I need to breathe every other stroke: when my right arm lifts and arches ready to break the surface, I turn my head and snatch a breath. I find bilateral breathing very difficult - where you alternate the side, breathing every 3rd stroke.

I continued to chug up and down the lane whilst the beautiful Mr Blowhole glided through the water without, apparently, the need for oxygene. It seems I'll never get to play Mrs Rosen in The Poseidon Adventure.